©Irina Borisova

There were no clients and entering the office Ksenia found a picture of serenity: all her employees were occupied; each one seemed to be busy with something, but from their relaxed faces it was clear that there was no work, that all this busyness was created only out of respect for the proprieties.

Her office was a tiny room with a window facing a garden where pensioners walked peacefully among golden autumn leaves. She thought that everything was held together now by her alone, only she could think up something that would bring them clients and money, the young people in the next room lived on the salaries that she had to provide for them and if these salaries ever stopped coming they would look at her with amazement and expectation, and nobody would help.

On the one hand she was already accustomed to it, her husband with whom they had created the company was exploded in his car two years ago, she had screwed up her eyes then, unwilling to realise, thinking about it through nights, guessing who, why, what for, finding no answers. Her husband had been a leader in their business, he did all the most difficult things himself, not always letting her into details. When they worked together she thought she was a business-lady, she adopted an abrupt controlling tone in talking to her employees, she travelled about the city in a car, her mobile phone burst out in her bag, she spent evenings at presentations -- now she understood what a game it all was, all the responsibility had been carried by her husband, as she understood now he had left many things unsaid protecting her, watching with a smile how happy she was playing the part of an important manager.

When he died it became clear to her why he, previously indifferent to spirits, had drunk much lately on weekends both in restaurants with his friends, the same businessmen and lawyers, and just at the dacha with her -- he had to remove stress. When she became acquainted with him in the very beginning of perestroyka, he was a scientist-lawyer, a polyglot, he wrote his doctorate in the area of some exotic law, they had met in the university where she brought her teenage son to enter an optional law department for schoolchildren. He had become her second husband, before meeting him she was an officer's ex-wife who had returned to her mother after ten years of sufferings around the garrisons with her first husband-drunkard. During the years of marriage she had lost all her knowledge and skills got in the university except household and art of making ends meet for pennies. Her new husband, however, told her that she herself did not guess what she was capable of , but as it turned out, she had to discover it without him.

Having remained without him she understood that their company had become a leading legal company in the city not all by itself, not because of the money spent for advertising, not because the best lawyers in the city had contributed to them, but because her husband had had a flair and necessary contacts, because he had known which cases were possible to take on and which were dangerous, which forces it was impossible to interfere in and if still to do it the support of which other forces it was necessary to enlist. Their company had existed for so long because of his skill in balancing on the edge and because the main companies in the city had been among its clients, still, eventually her husband had probably taken a risky step in not having enlisted a necessary support.

For a while their business had moved in its previous volume under its own momentum and sitting alone in her and her husband's former office Ksenia had thought and had analysed and then, having taken the decision, relinquished the prestigious location downtown, moved to small rooms closer to the outskirts and told her employees that the company lowered its turnover and changed its profile, that since then it would take on not commercial companies' causes, but only private citizens. Two thirds of her staff had left, she counted on this: Ksenia understood that if even her husband, familiar with big business had finally made a mistake she would need for the same considerably less time, that's why to survive she had to work at a lower level and not touch the interests of powerful people. She had thought even of giving up the business in general and finding a job, to return to the life she had led before, but it was already impossible: her son had studied at a prestigious paid university department. The money was needed to pay debts taken for purchasing the flat for her son and the dacha for her mother, and to help her husband's son in his first marriage. All those duties previously executed by her husband now were hers and she knew that the prosperity and even life of her little family depended only on her.

Her husband was probably right, previously she did not realise her capabilities because having managed to enlist help of a friend well received in authoritative structures Ksenia had managed to get a government order for her company the reception and putting on the books of the depositors of a bank ruined after the crisis which gave though not big, but stable income. She also tried to attract private clients and kept an eye personally on young lawyers who had remained with her to see that they respected the needs of people who brought their far from extra and sometimes even the last money and gave them correct advice and multiplied the flow of customers. This all together formed some level of stability, but was hard work. Every morning rising upstairs to her small office situated on the sixth floor of an ancient St.Petersburg building even on the first floor she had met people standing tightly one after another -- they were the depositors of a ruined bank standing in line since the early morning. Her function was to take a petition from each one, to listen to them, to learn about their circumstances and to note them down in one of three lists which had set the terms of compensation for the lost deposits. Needless to say the majority of those who had appealed to her claimed that they qualified for a higher list and tried to prove their right with passion. Ksenia could not afford guards, the only help in dealing with these exhausted and embittered people who had stood in line for long hours was her eighteen years old secretary. At the end of the day the two of them would drink the tincture of valerian together. Ksenia accepted also ordinary clients: sad, worried, sometimes desperate people came to visit her, their problems were connected mostly with lodging, the most valuable property of the inhabitants of the city of St.Petersburg of the post-perestroyka epoch. Ex-husbands, wives, daughters-in-law, evil children and grandchildren tried to tear away a flat or a room by fair means or foul from people bringing their troubles to her. Returning home through the city in her already shabby car Ksenia looked at the houses along the streets and it seemed to her that an endless and sad fight was going on in them: pale, unhealthy shabbily dressed people fought with each other with bitterness in their eyes for several square meters in a concrete box or grieved over their lost last kopecks which they had trusted once to a bank with a famous name having believed in an irresitable advertising and a good interest rate.

In the garage Ksenia met Nickolai, the friend who had helped her to find the depositors. Nickolai was a father of Ksenia's son's friend, the boys grew up together, once Nickolai had also been at law, true that not for a lodging, but for custody of his own son with his ex-wife, a daughter of a foreign diplomat, it ended that he had secretly taken the child from Moscow and had vanished in St.Petersburg. The son remained with him, but Nickolai's character became hard and suspicious, he drank much. He had a big trading company, but Nickolai's consolation was still his son, a wonderful boy who had graduated from the university with honours and worked as a programmer. Ksenia had always put him as an example for her own son.

Ksenia came home, her mother met her with the dinner, her son called by to take home her grandson whom she had picked from the kinder-garten on her way home. Everything in her son's life went on not as she would wish, he had early thrown in his lot with a girl who gave birth to his child right away. At the department of foreign affairs from which his son was going to graduate soon they taught things which could not be used in real life, her son had no protection in a diplomatic field that's why the question of his future career was open. At dinner her mother said that groceries became more expensive, she complained that feet hurt and it was becoming hard to go shopping, she said that Ksenia's grandson had coughed for a long time, that it was necessary to find good doctors because they did not understand anything in their polyclinic. Her son added that they had raised the school fee again at their department. Listening to their conversations Ksenia estimated in thoughts how much she would make that month, if that was enough for her son's school, for doctors, for paying debts, for food for all of them, then she got into her purse, gave something to her mother, something to her son, promised to give more in the end of the week.

There were no flights in her personal life after her husband's death. When her grief was still quite sharp she became close to Nickolai, but this intimacy did not bring her consolation. Nickolai drank much, meeting him she also drank, having drunk much, she played the fool, chatted nonsense, teased Nickolai asking to give her a new beautiful car, seriously asked him to go with her and her mother to the dacha to find out what was possible to do with a cracked foundation.. But the glance Nickolai gave her was rather mocking and lacked the indulgence with which her perished husband had dealt with her, it did not promise to arrange everything and to solve all her problems as her husband's glance used to. In the morning having become sober Nickolai told her that he would go to her dacha, but only with her, he clearly let her understand that the problems with the foundation would not accommodate in that trip. When, parting, she asked him with a smile about a new beautiful car he wished to give her, he corrected her gently that it was she who wished him to give her a car and grinning joylessly she agreed. Soon she stopped dating Nickolai, but continued to communicate with him on friendly terms, she remained grateful to him for the depositors and she was also always ready for any help. Since then Ksenia started to believe that her relationship with people would be built henceforward on the principles of parity and having grieved a little about it she came to the conclusion that it was fair.

The idea to go to Spain was given to her by the same Nickolai when they stood over her car's opened engine cowling as the engine was pounding for some unknown reason, and having started from the engine Ksenia switched over to her favourite topic to the depositors. She said that they all were practically served and would be over today or tomorrow, the situation with ordinary clients was hopeless as lately she had neglected the advertising, it was necessary to take some actions, but she could not do anything being frazzled. For example, this day an old man with orders and medals of the Great Patriotic War came and demanded that she pay him immediately, even from her own pocket or he would arrange the self-immolation there before her eyes and he already started to strike a match and to swing some bottle, and her secretary, having started to yell, pulled a fire-extinguisher and the old man had a heart attack as a result, and they gave him pills, then had tea with candies and almost cried together, but she had to accept sixty people more. Having forgotten all parity principles, Ksenia bitterly complained to Nickolai that she was tired of people's problems, that her head was overloaded with other people's troubles and her own fears that the depositors would be over, that there were no clients, that there would be no money, that the office rent would be raised, that her son would not find any job, and any thought, even what to do this day and in which order, made her if not completely sick, but caused just a physical pain, and it was inadmissible because she had to work. And when Nickolai said that she was overtired, that she had to relax and that he knew a company where it was possible to buy a tour to Spain cheaply, Ksenia immediately understood that she would go. Having written down the telephone, she asked Nickolai just in case if he also wished to go, and taking his usual mocking air he teased her that there was no harm to dream about it, then slightly slapped her on her shoulder, said: "Go alone", and parting, he added that perhaps he would go unless some problems in his company.

Previously Ksenia had been only to Finland, her husband and she had not had time to go abroad together; her husband had joked that he was so tired of work that before sightseeing he had to be stored in bed dully for a week. Once they had really found a couple of days, had driven to a motel in Zelenogorsk in October, in a delayed Indian summer, walked along a deserted shore of the Gulf and around the coastal park in foggy grey days amidst golden leaves, dined in a motel's restaurant, had hot tea with pasties in a little cafe, lay in the evening cuddling up to each other in their room, watching news on TV, made love. Since then five or six years passed, there were no more relaxation and having risen upstairs, Ksenia resolutely declared to her amazed mother that she would leave.

And in a couple of weeks she already walked towards the beach amidst a polyglot half-naked crowd in her old country shorts and t-shirt which her son had grown from -- she packed things in a hurry and had no time to buy anything for the beach for herself, hoping to do it right there, but when she arrived she understood that nothing was needed. Her tour was really cheap, Ksenia was placed in a youth hotel where the buses with travelling students from different countries arrived all the time, young people splashed in a swimming pool, danced at a disco. Ksenia watched a mixed kaleidoscope of unusual faces, listened to the sound of a strange speech, squinted against the sun watching paragliders flying from the mountain over the sea, but most of all she enjoyed blue-green, salty Mediterranean water in which she could swim for hours as a child who chattered their teeth being overcooled, still did not pay attention to their mother's cries demanding to get out of water. There were several Russian couples in the hotel, sometimes they communicated in the restaurant, discussed what and where was possible to buy, criticised for inefficiency a Russian-speaking guide attached to them, asked Ksenia's opinion, but she just smiled, shrugging her shoulders. The thoughts of life left in St.Petersburg did not trouble her either, they had left immediately as soon as she came out of the airport and breathed in dry hot air.

Once her neighbour at the table, a not young Englishwoman, asked Ksenia if she wished to rent a car together to drive around. Ksenia happily agreed and soon they already travelled about ancient towns with huge cathedrals, narrow streets, flowers hanging down from the balconies of the buildings, turbid rivers with big fishes swimming in them. They talked little, Ksenia knew only that the Englishwoman was a teacher, but Ksenia liked her enthusiastic smile and how the Englishwoman exclaimed once from the fullness of her heart that there was neither beginning nor end in the world, but only constant passion for life, having stopped on a mountain ground from which a breathtaking view on the sea opened.

The Englishwoman left the first and Ksenia swam alone for several days yet, but on the last day when she stood in the embankment near the rail looking at the bright waves under the moon, an elderly gentleman came up to her, ceremoniously introduced himself, said that he was an American, was surprised that she was a Russian and even from St.Petersburg, said that he was going to visit her city in winter. He asked her to sit somewhere there and to drink some Sangria and she agreed, went with him along the night embankment in her next t-shirt inherited from her son, sat at the table. The American told her that his children had grown up and he had become widowed, that his life was comfortable, but lonely, that he had a house with a view on one of Great American lakes and wine-making business, and Ksenia curiously asked him of his family, about wine-making, about taxes, sales and suddenly she felt that the thoughts about home returned to her, she understood how much she missed her son, her mother, her grandson, her abandoned company, she started to worry how they all were doing there, and having thanked the American, hurried up to the hotel to pack her bags.

Having returned home she found everything in the same decay -- her son still had not found any job and little by little fell into the depression, her mother reported that their grandson still did not stop couphing, business was absolutely poor, two lawyers talked about discharge. That happy excitement in which Ksenia had been in Spain left her even in the plane, but the problems to which she returned, did not make her desperate any more. She did not wince painfully trying to grip them as previously, on the contrary, she wished to touch them as soon as possible and a plan for them was already being formed up in her head. First she resolutely took her grandson to an acquainted doctor, ordered all the medicines prescribed for him and asked her mother to check their dose not relying much on her daughter-in-law. Then she gathered all her lawyers at work together and offered each one to express their ideas on bringing the company out of the deadlock and after long arguments they decided to set up a notary office in their company and also to try to work with real estate agencies on law accompaniment of the deals. She talked long to her son at home that it was absolutely unknown yet if something sensible would come from those undertakings, but what to do, one should try, no other way, depression was a grave sin and one should not give way to it. She said that whatever things would happen further, thanks goodness they had already paid for the last semester of his school and very soon he would become a lawyer in the area of international law and, of course, it was possible to sit and wait for any protection for finding work on his profession, but it was also possible just to start something new, for instance, to start from zero any interesting for him direction in her company though even without any guarantee for success. And in the same fighting spirit she met Nickolai, and it was striking for her how Nickolai had become drawn in his face, but he replied to her question about his health that everything was OK, he was just worn out at work, and Ksenia started to tell him with enthusiasm about her trip and that, it seemed to her now that she was no more afraid of anything and was ready to move mountains. Listening, Nickolai looked at her without his usual mockery, but rather sadly and Ksenia was bothered by something, she felt she should ask him how things really were, but she also so much wished to tell him about her ideas and when she finally asked her questions, Nickolai grinned as usual, slapped her slightly on her shoulder and said he had to go. Climbing the stairs she thought yet again that she should call Nickolai and to talk to him appropriately, but her mother and son who seemed to adopt her active mood, poured so much of different information on her at home that in her conversations with them she has forgotten.

And on the next day her crying mother opened her the door and two boys whom she first had not even recognized sat in the kitchen her son and Nickolai's son with the similar fear in their eyes, and her son said that Nikolai had shot himself in the heart with a sports air-gun and when his son came home from work that day he had found his father already dead. Nikolai's son silently moving his lips said that his father had been worried lately because of work and that there were some phone calls, but the father had not said anything particular to him and there were also lots of phone calls before.

And sitting silently beside them Ksenia thought that if there had been any danger for his son Nickolai would probably have arranged everything another way. When the boy murmured with a quavering voice that he would go home, Ksenia put her hand on his knee, said that he would live with them so far and they should go to his place to get things. Late at night when her son left and her mother and Nickolai's son finally fell asleep she sat in the kitchen and thought. She recalled her condition after her husband's death when she came to the window and imagined that it was possible to step out of it so easily and when she looked at sharp knives and was not scared. She thought that she should have asked Nickolai, should have called him, should have caught up with him, but post-Spain euphoria took the remnants of her quickness.